I promise you this will be a fun ad. Really.

How do I know? Well, for one, because I wrote it. And for another, because it has pretty pictures!!!! Hooray.

Ready? Here we go.

OK, so here's a simple geography lesson:

There's the Earth. That is a sweet Earth, you might say. There's Massachusetts, to the right of the Earth. Not to imply that Massachusetts isn't actually a part of the Earth, which it is - that's more of a close-up for your knowledge. That red star is approximately Waltham, which is where I currently reside.

Now you need to know a little bit about me. First, let's talk about the physical aspects. You'll note when and if we first meet that I am tall (6'4"). This is a good thing, because I can reach things on high shelves, and am not an easy target for hoodlums unless they are very short and sneaky.

You should also note the following: I have curly hair. This is kept

Short, because sadly there is less of it than there was when I was 18. I have blue eyes, a nice nose, and straight teeth that cost "a bloody fortune" (according to my parents, neither of whom has ever been British). While I might not be male model material, I have dated a number of women, the vast majority of whom would say I am "cute." This word confounds me. But I digress. I have large feet (size 15). If you know "what they say about guys with big feet," please let me know.

You are also probably interested in my employment status. I am

fully employed with a semi-satisfying career that is a great conversation starter, and I do volunteer work and play sports to get out of the house. I am also in the process of starting a business in order to justify my Master’s degree. I am either in marketing or a porn star. Perhaps this picture will help you figure out which:

Did you get it right? If you said, "marketing," you are smart and

we should talk. If you said, "Porn Star," we should definitely talk.

I have many interests. Here are my attempts to draw a few of them:

Did you match up the interests correctly? The right answers are:

1-c

2-e

3-a

4-b

5-d

Additionally, I enjoy cooking (yes, a man who likes to cook! However, I could not depict chicken cacciatore, so I didn't try), watching reruns of "Sports Night," pre-1997 "The Simpsons," and "Scrubs," and reading. I used to read a lot more than I do now.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Damn. This guy sounds pretty cool. However, I would bet that he is not interested in me."

My response would be, "please try not to begin sentences with the word 'damn'." However, view this next picture:

As you can see, I am interested in intelligent, funny people of all hair and eye colors (provided they have huge red mouths). Of course physical attraction is part-and-parcel (did I just use that phrase?) with the other necessary aspects of a healthy, long-term relationship, but I have very eclectic tastes, so why don't you give it a shot?

This is the part where I ask you to send a picture with your response. Not because I think I will get so many replies that I need to weed people out, but because I don't want to play the "blind date" game, where we stand in front of the restaurant like idiots waiting for someone who might look vaguely like our mental image of the other person. That is not a fun game. They don't even give parting gifts.

Obviously, I do have some specifics that I am looking for. Ideally, you'd be Jewish; I am Jewish, and would like Jewish children, but I can always steal them later on. Just kidding. About the stealing part. But there are some other specifics:

On the left side are the "ok" quirks:

- You drink. That's ok. I drink sometimes, too. I don't get hammered every Thursday through Sunday, and I'd prefer if you didn't, but I also am not a Mormon (it may be ok if you are, unless you are former Governor Mitt Romney).

- You wear glasses. I dig glasses. As long as they're not the huge blue plastic frames that I had when I was in 8th grade. Where did you find those? I've been looking for them.

- You're a student. That's cool, too. Unless it's "high school student." That's illegal.

On the right side you will note some "less acceptable" quirks:

- You smoke. I don't dig that. Smoking makes me cough, and coughing is no fun.

- You have giant buck teeth. I've got no problem with people who don't have perfectly straight/white teeth, but I'm not a huge fan of bad dental hygiene. Please brush your teeth - your dentist will like you.

- You are dead, or undead. Zombies and vampires, please fuck off.

Of course, if our online courtship turns into a pleasant phone conversation or two, please expect that I will ask you out. You've been forewarned.

Walks are fun. I also like the Aquarium and the Museum of Science.

We could also ride bikes somewhere (like along the Esplanade), provided that you have a bike. We could also visit the MFA, which is represented above by the worst "painting" ever. In fact, it's so bad, I had to put the word "painting" in quotation marks.

Anyway, we would do something fun. We could also meet for dinner, coffee, or a drink. We would probably not go to an interpretive dance performance... sorry to dash your hopes.

Finally, we come to the end of the date.

It is entirely possible that I will do something to piss you off.

This happens rarely, but it has happened. You will probably not slap me, but I won't discount the possibility completely.

However, perhaps the date ends amicably. We will shake hands and part ways. Lovely.

Or, things go very well. Before the date ends, we're making plans for a second date. In this case, we might kiss goodnight. Not to brag, but I have been told on more than one occasion that I am an excellent kisser. Does this entice you? If not, please disregard it and continue to think of me as charming and witty.

The fourth option is that a huge, red question mark falls on us.

Regardless of whether you think I might be your type, I hope that you have enjoyed reading this monstrosity of a posting. If you like tall, outgoing Jews with good sense of humor, then you will like me. If you like short atheists who don't "get" Eddie Izzard or Mitch Hedberg, then you might consider moving on. Or you could try something different and drop me a line. In any case, I'm fun and good for a laugh (either "with" me or "at" me). :)

Guarantee: If this was not the most fun post you saw on

Craig's List, please send me an email with your picture and a description of yourself, and I will be happy to take you out on a date. Come to think of it, that was the point of this post in the first place.

Guarantee void in the 48 contiguous United States, Hawaii, Alaska, Mexico, Canada, Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama, Wales, Iceland, Greenland, and the North Pole. Sorry Mrs. Claus.